A simple, quick search on the web reveals that today it is normal to associate the word “crisis” with the word family. Besides, this does not surprise us: the profound crisis the family is going through is plain for all to see: couples often experience a crisis in love; they are poorly educated in love as the free gift of oneself and mutual respect, which makes it very difficult to overcome together the inevitable cracks that a vital and profound relationship such as marriage entails.
Faced with this horizon, one path to discover or rediscover is that of forgiveness: if, in fact, when faced with deep wounds, the first, understandable instinct is to distance oneself, forgiveness offers another path to follow, certainly not free from pain, but fruitful.
The nature of forgiveness
What do we mean when we refer to “marital forgiveness”? Leonardo Trione, author of Healing the Wounded Family, helps us answer this question: «The word forgiveness, first of all, comes from the Latin verb per-donare, to give as a gift, to restore, to show mercy, to abandon. […] Therefore, this term refers to the idea of a gift “for”. […] Within the couple and the family, the dimension of forgiveness, as a selfless act, arises from a heart that measures itself against the heart of God, infinite mercy. Spouses who have experienced Jesus, the healer of spouses, feel, before anything else, forgiven and loved by God».
It is then easy to understand that marital forgiveness, understood in this sense, goes beyond a simple “absolution” and involves the participation of both spouses: the one who made a mistake and the one called to forgive, because fully forgiving requires fully understanding the pain one has caused, and this requires empathy and harmony between the spouses, as well as a genuine desire to heal.
Forgiveness is a challenge
This is why forgiveness is a challenge for couples and is a couple’s challenge: it is an act of courage in which, despite wrongs and wounds, and the reasons of both partners, the desire to safeguard what has been built and to rediscover a new harmony prevails—possible, precisely, if they reread their story through the eyes of the courage to forgive, first and foremost feeling like beloved children who were forgiven first.
This is an act of courage that can transform pain into growth. Trione also writes: “Forgiveness, therefore, is the key that makes it possible to preserve the family, serving as a balm that binds and heals wounds. […] Forgiveness is an art that enables the two marital individuals, sometimes convex, to smooth the edges of their own egos” and finally feel liberated and ready to start over.
Communication and understanding: a journey of tenderness
Of course, it is not a simple path, and we do not want to portray it as such: the tools we need to have at our disposal to follow it are first and foremost open communication and a willingness to understand each other: this is essential for rebuilding a fabric of trust.
Reconciliation and rebirth
“In general, forgiveness constitutes the conditio sine qua non for making the transition from a shattered existence to a fruitful rebirth,” Trione also writes, and indeed marital forgiveness can lead to deep reconciliation. It is also true, however, that there are cases in which the relationship is nevertheless too compromised, making the rifts difficult to repair. Even in cases like these, however, sincere forgiveness offered to one’s spouse allows for a more peaceful separation and the possibility of a new life free from resentment: anger toward the other is in fact a bond, albeit a dark one, that it is best to sever.
This brief exploration of a reality that is as profound as it is difficult makes it clear that marital forgiveness is not a simple act, let alone an instantaneous one: it is a hard and difficult journey, but a beautiful one because it opens the doors to healing and personal growth. In this sense, it is a gift that transforms both the person who forgives and the person who is forgiven.
If we are going through moments of crisis and difficulty, let us rediscover this cornerstone of human relationships: forgiveness allows us to overcome difficult moments, trains us in resilience and deep understanding, showing us a way to regain inner serenity and also a new harmony with our partner.
