“Permission, thank you, and excuse me” are three very simple words that “pave the way for living well in the family and living in peace. They are simple words, but not so simple to put into practice! They contain great strength: the strength to safeguard the home, even through a thousand difficulties and trials; whereas their absence gradually opens cracks that may even cause it to collapse” (Pope Francis, General Audience, May 13, 2015).

These three words guide us in taking very concrete steps on the path to holiness and in growing in love within the family and in relationships in general. Moreover, they are words characteristic of the style of Jesus Christ, who asks permission to enter (Rev 3:20), who continually gives thanks to the Father (Mt 11:25-30), and who teaches us to pray by saying: “Forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors” (Mt 6:10).

Living together is an art

“Permission, excuse me, thank you” are three words we often use without thinking, but they lead us to adopt behaviors that are important for the “health” of family relationships and for the “endurance over time” of our emotional bonds. Living together every day is beautiful; it brings joy and support. But it is also a challenge to face. We must learn to love one another. There is a “style” to married life, a spirituality of everyday life that must be learned day after day. Living together is an art, a patient, beautiful, and fascinating journey that does not end when the two unite in Marriage. On the contrary, it is a daily journey with three main rules that can be summed up in the words: “permission—that is, ‘may I?’, thank you, and excuse me.”

“Permission. May I?”

The first word, “Permission”—that is, “may I?”—evokes gentleness and an attitude of respect for the other person’s autonomy. It is a request to be able to enter the other person’s life with respect and attentiveness. Asking permission means knowing how to enter other people’s lives courteously and asking their opinion on how to handle situations and relationships that concern them. We must learn to ask: May I do this? Would you like us to do it this way? Shall we take this initiative, shall we raise the children this way? Would you like us to go out this evening? “Sometimes, instead, people use somewhat heavy-handed ways, like certain mountain boots! True love does not impose itself with harshness and aggression” (Pope Francis). In the Little Flowers of Saint Francis, we find this beautiful expression: “Know that courtesy is one of God’s attributes… and courtesy is the sister of charity, which extinguishes hatred and preserves love.”

“Thank you”

The second word is “thank you,” often spoken, but always too infrequently. In a family, the word points to gratitude, thankfulness, and a noble spirit. This word seems easy to say, but it is not. We teach it to children, but then we are the ones who forget it! Gratitude is an important feeling! Pope Francis says: “A Christian who does not know how to give thanks is someone who has forgotten the language of God.” So the question is: do we know how to give thanks? “In married life, it is important to keep alive the awareness that the other person is a gift from God, and we say thank you for God’s gifts!” (Pope Francis).

“Sorry”

Finally, the third word is “sorry.” In life, we make many errors and mistakes. We all do. Even in a family, some words, gestures, or failures to act may, instead of expressing love, harm it or even kill it. This is why we need to use this simple word: “sorry.” It is a word that evokes humility, the opposite of arrogance and presumptuousness, an antidote to any form of vanity and self-centeredness. And being able to apologize is also the antechamber of forgiveness. When the word “sorry” is missing, there is less oxygen in a family, relationships stagnate, and they can lead to a latent dissatisfaction.

The three words “permission, thank you, sorry” are not insurance for family life, nor do they protect us from suffering and pain. They do not guarantee us immunity from hardships. Rather, they are a light that illuminates family life and, when lived in union with Jesus Christ, can become moments in which we nurture our relationships with one another, grow in faith in God, and in the certainty that every event in our lives contains precious treasures of grace.

Thoughts for reflection for couples/families

• Let’s look at examples of situations in which we could learn to say in our families: “permission, thank you, sorry.”
• Today, when did I ask “permission,” say “thank you,” or say “sorry”?